Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
