i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
