We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
