the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
