My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
