Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
