Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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