he puts the penis in happiness.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
