I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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