we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
