I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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