i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
