you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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