Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
