I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
