oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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