Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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