my shit smells like andre
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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