There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize