I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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