OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
