My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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