my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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