That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
