your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
