There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
