I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
