dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Boobs speak an international language.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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