i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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