last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize