Kiss
Puke
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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