it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
