you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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