I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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