Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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