I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
