last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
