Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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