i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
