I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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