My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
