My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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