well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
