Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
