He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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