Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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