why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
