Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My ATM looks so different sober.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize