I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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