just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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