Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
