Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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