I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i love accidental penises.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
