He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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