My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
