When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize
