New low: just hacked my moms facebook
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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