if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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