she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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