he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
