dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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