you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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