I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
