How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
