so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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