I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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