Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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